Day of Blogs

In a recent post on machismo, Brownfemipower, insightful as always, tells us this short story:

One man I know has been working passionatly to help Latinas. But after a Latina was raped, this man, the only man (and only person, really) working to bring justice to this woman said, she is devistated–and her husband, her poor husband–can you imagine what this proud man is going through?

I wanted to scream, to cry when I heard his words. Why is a man’s pride considered to be the same thing as a woman’s bodily integrity, mental health and freedom?

You should read the whole post, but this part particulary stuck out at me — how even the advocates can lose the plot. These ideas are so deeply ingrained in us, the higher value of men, the ownership of women, that even the rape of a woman can turn into a story about a man. Even by those who know better.

Certainly, being very close with someone who has been raped, and I imagine particularly a spouse, is very painful and stressful. That is why RAINN offers support to these people in addition to the survivors themselves. They also have tips on their website on how while it’s appropriate to feel pain and anger, it’s not appropriate to make it all about them.  Because they’re not the same experience.  They don’t begin to compare.  

I understand the reaction.  I do.  The culture we live in feeds, expects this mentality.  But a man does not rape another man’s wife — he rapes that a woman.  And the only man who ought to lose any sense of pride in that scenario is the rapist.  And I can’t help but feel that this “pride” business, rather than concern and hurt for the woman, maybe even a sense of helplessness, is directly related to the concept of women as property, and therefore a part of the rape culture that spawned the violence.