Day of Blogs

A post request from Kristen:

Or the importance of listening and accepting a rape victims story as a separate issue from placing legal responsibility on the perpetrator. Wouldn’t it be nice if a victim could tell hir story without everyone leaping to talk about the guilt or innocence of the perpetrator? Even for like 15 seconds?

Ah, wouldn’t it be nice indeed? I write an awful lot about the legal system and its treatment of rape survivors, because those are the stories that make the news. But I’d have to say that “why didn’t you report?” and “rape victims should always report” crap is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Honestly, I used to be that person. “Rape victims should always report because otherwise the rapist goes free and the rapist will just rape again.” You know, the victim has a responsibility to prevent further rapes — it’s on hirshoulders somehow. Of course, this was before being raped myself and oops, not reporting. (Hey, I also used to buy into the “you made the decision to have sex” anti-choice argument as well — what can I say, I was a stupid young teen.)

There are a few problems with this. The first is that it takes the responsibility off the rapist — after all, the rapist is an irresponsible subhuman piece of scum who just can’t help but raping, not an autonomous human being who makes hir own decisions. No. The rapist may be a piece of scum who doesn’t give a shit about other people, but the rapist still makes the decision to rape. Any time we start arguing that someone other than the rapist is responsible for the rapist’s decision to rape, we’re getting way, way too far into victim-blaming territory. And blaming a rape victim not only for hir own rape but for the rape of other people? Do we see how fucked up this is?

The second is the simple fact that victims don’t owe you anything. Victims do not owe society. They do not have a responsibility or a debt to pay. The only responsibility a victim has is for hirself — and I will never, ever begrudge a rape survivor for doing what sie needs to do in order to feel safe and stable.

I’ve been subject to the why didn’t you report? attacks. And that shit is both infuriating and painful. Firstly, it’s none of your goddamn business why I didn’t report. Secondly, I’ll tell you because I know that a lot of other survivors are in the same boat. I didn’t report because I didn’t understand what rape was — and after being traumatized for many years, finally understood “oh shit, well that’s why.” And if I did know? I probably wouldn’t have reported then either. My rape didn’t fit the definition of what most consider to be “rape” or even “date rape.” He was much more powerful than me, and my entire small town would have taken his side. There was no evidence, and after all, he was my boyfriend. I didn’t report because it was not safe for me to report. It still wouldn’t be today.

What survivors need is to be listened to. And telling survivors what they should and should not have done is not listening. Asking “Well did you report?” can sound just as interrogating and hurtful as “What were you wearing?” And why does it so greatly matter to you? Because you want to see the perpetrator brought to justice? Or because you want to exist on some sort of moral high ground. Even if it’s the former, you need to reconsider your priorities.

Maybe it’s the late hour, but I don’t know how else to say it other than shut the fuck up and listen.  And if you need to say something?  Try “how are you?” or “is there anything I can do for you?” or “I’m here for you if you need me.”