38: “Real Rape”
- Posted by Cara on July 27th, 2008 filed in day of blogs
From the Cara’s Classic Posts vault comes probably the most personal post I’ve ever written, in addition to being the one that was the most emotionally draining, and also the most emotionally rewarding. It’s not the best post I’ve ever written, and there are some things I wish I had expressed differently, but it’s one that is and probably always will be dear to my heart.
Rape survivors who have told their stories online, unless their rape fit some archetypal, bloody vision of rape, have probably run into the “real rape” phenomenon. This is the one where by calling your experience rape, it’s “demeaning cases of ‘real rape.’” Of course, those who make this argument have a vested interest in keeping the definition of rape narrow and attacking those who speak about their experiences with what actually is real rape. In On ‘Real Rape’ and Rape Apologists, I respond to those who attacked me personally for my comments about an alleged assault committed by Johnny Vegas, who said that my experience, and the experiences of slews of other people just doesn’t count.
I don’t care what the law is. I never said that penetrating a woman against her will with a finger fits the legal definition of rape. In some sane places, it does. In many others, it does not. I don’t give a shit. In many places, a man who has nonconsensual sex with his wife has not legally raped her. But he still raped her. In many places, a man who has sex with a woman who is unconscious has not legally raped her. But he still raped her. In most places, a woman does not have to say “yes” to give consent, but simply fail to say “no.” A situation where she did not say “no” but does not want sex and did not agree to it is still rape. No matter what the law says. Rape is the nonconsensual sexual penetration of another person. It’s not that fucking difficult to grasp.
I still think that Vegas’ ass should be in jail. But I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to presume that rape charges would be thrown out. I never said that they wouldn’t be. If actually taken to court, the highest charges that he could possibly be convicted on would be those falling under sexual assault that is not rape.
But if Vegas penetrated the woman with his finger, he still raped her.
I don’t know why people can’t understand that. I don’t know why people look to the law as some kind of fucking gospel and assume that it is always right. The law is not always right. That’s why we still elect legislative bodies and expect them to do the job of passing and amending legislation — because we have not yet reached a place where laws are timeless and perfect. And I doubt with all my might that we ever will. I can only assume that they’re arguing with me on legal terms because they don’t have anything else. Nope, Vegas will not and probably cannot be tried on rape charges. I never argued otherwise. What the hell is your point?
In any case, in addition to all of those who left wonderfully supportive comments, and as I note in the post, RAINN is also on my side. Something that small — a simple definition on their website — meant a lot.
July 27th, 2008 at 3:48 am
I see this reoccuring theme of people getting very angry when someone classifies their own experiences. “You were raped when I say you were raped!”
July 27th, 2008 at 11:13 am
though i didn’t see the original post, i think you said it perfectly. it doesn’t matter if it was “just a little bit” or “only for 5 seconds” or whatever. it still counts as rape.
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